Day 25

Would seem like most of the world have either recently had a baby or are pregnant. Spoke to alot of people from same company as I work for today who told me of other people I know who have had babies recently or who are pregnant. Also saw a girl and her sister I grew up with, both of whom have young babies and one of whom is expecting again. This just makes me ultra aware of my own situation and grief. OH says he worries I will never be happy and when I get what I want, i.e a baby, I'll just feel sad about something else. Nipples barely tender although still not quite normal in appearance. Back has been sore as if period is just about to come, so much so I had a pad on all day today. Tomorrow is the expected day of arrival of the bleed. Not a joyous moment.

Day 24

Nipples feel back to normal and I feel even sadder. OH says I "cannot be pleased" as I should be glad we have come this far without a bleed meaning treatment has the potential to work. He also says we cannot give up hope this cycle but I already have. I feel miserable and resentful of all these lucky women with babies on the way or those who are Mums already. At work today some wacky colleague (who I don't normally work with and won't work with again) spoke of how she had been sick last night and this led her into thinking today she may be pregnant. She proceeded to do a pregnancy test then came out declaring she was happily "fetus free!" This felt like trivialising the whole getting pregnant scenario and for me today was not a good day for that to happen.

Day 23

Today my mood plummeted. Really low and cried so hard this morning I thought I would need to call in sick to work. Managed to get there via GP surgery who cannot see me until October but then why was I there anyway? What do I say is wrong? Maybe, I am desperate to have a child and four week cycles are too long for to wait for an outcome and it's too hard when it's a negative at the end, even though I cannot be sure it is a negative? OH says I am acting crazy which I think I agree with. I feel like I am possessed with something which is torturing my head. It is so painful to want a child so badly, to struggle to conceive and for it to be so out of your control. I still feel symptomatic but lesser so I would say. This is what set me off this morning as my nipples felt back to normal. They have burned a little throughout the day and my back still hurts but I feel like I am giving up on the possibility of being pregnant. One of my friends text me today to tell me she has just had a miscarriage. This will be her second one in a year. It was twins this time. She has a daughter already. I don't know how I would manage to go on if this happened to me again. I cannot bear to think of the prospect.

Have been meaning to link to an article I helped create by the BBC. I am of course, name changed, Jane from Glasgow. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14370824

Day 22

Still feel down but trying to get on with it and not dwell, as if that's even possible. Been so wanting to do a test today and almost gave in but there is no point because a negative I would blame on being too early to test and a positive I would blame the Ovitrelle injection for. Felt sweaty overnight which was the reason I tested before however again it could be the Ovitrelle. I won a competition and received two packets of First Response Ovualtion test kits in the post today. Might be useful as next cycle is inconveniently interrupted by the September bank holiday. A nice blogger sent them on to me. http://nearlyperfectmother.blogspot.com/

Day 21

Feel so disappointed and sad today having decided the outcome will be negative. Having gotten this far without bleeding I should be glad that there is a chance this treatment could work as opposed to the clomid where I bled very early. Work was difficult where my first customer was very pregnant. Then there was the 8 week old constipated baby, the 6 week old congested baby, the 2 week old constipated baby and the 4 week old dry skin baby. Then there was the "super fertile" couple looking for the morning after pill because there are "so fertile we just keep getting pregnant". They went on and on about it as if it was a terrible thing to be as lucky as they had been in conception. I felt like telling them how offensive they were being but held my breath and reassured myself they know not of my situation, even though it got me paranoid someone was out to get me. Still hyper aware of my body. Back was incredibly sore this morning, then improved, only to worsen again later on. Nipples have been intermittently burning. Someone was telling me how acupuncture has helped pains in their feet. I have heard of people getting acupuncture for infertility issues. I might look into this.

Day 20

I am now realising that my symptoms are more than likely related to the ovitrelle injection still being in my system. Since HCG is the pregnancy hormone and is the active ingredient it is reasonable to expect the symptoms I am experiencing as side effects. It so much plays with your head though. Today I am in the head frame that I am not pregnant and will have to undergo numerous unsuccessful cycles of IUI and eventually IVF. I am already worried about the next IUI cycle potentially having to be adandoned and how I will cope being on another waiting list for IVF or alternatively how I will convince OH to go private. I need to bring myself back into the here and now. Enjoy the present moment. Nothing can be solved through worrying and in face in could be detrimental to my progress.

Day 19

Time is moving so slowly. Wish there was some way to know either way as I feel with each day my hopes are being raised. My nipples are on fire today. The worst yet and it reminds me of being pregnant before. I am very moist in the lady parts and needed more paracetamol for my back. I cannot help but hope this persists!