Thursday, 22 September 2011

Day 31

More brown discharge overnight and very slight cramping. Like wind pains. Felt really scared by it and phone Early Pregnancy Unit to ask if they would do HCG blood levels to check if the hormones are rising. They said it wasn't routine and to just sit tight until my scan. It's like no one understands how anxiety provoking this is. OH says I should be happy that treatment worked regardless of the outcome and that I need to stop worrying about things that haven't yet happened and so are not actual problems. I managed to calm down and spent the morning with my Mum who asked lots of questions about the pregnancy and how I was feeling. We spoke about the choice of hospital but couldn't come up with a conclusion. She wondered if the bleeding I was having was my body getting rid of an unfertilised follicle since there was more than one. Suppose it's possible. Seem to be getting tired more easily and enjoying lazy afternoons on the sofa. My breasts ache too!

On a completely different subject I managed to pick up £59.11 of shopping for 20p tonight!!! My only problem is fitting it all in my freezer! I arrived in Asda at precisely the right time for them marking down all the short dated stock to 10p and had vouchers which covered the cost. I got a large fresh chicken, chicken satays, duck spring rolls, chicken kung po, steak and vegetable pie, turkey for stir fry, lamb steaks and more which I cannot recall. I then went along to Morrisons who were also marking things down and I got some rottisserie chicken, rolls and coleslaw for free since I got a £5 voucher from my petrol spend. Every penny counts when there is a/are baby/ies on the way!!!

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Day 31

No change on symptoms. Back still occasionally sore, tired and breasts are becoming very tender. Went to get the form to fill in to self refer to the midwives. It asks which hospital you want your baby to be born in. This is  dilemma for me. There is a hospital near where my parents live, most convenient for us too. It has a designated neonatal unit. It is however where I had to go through two lots of surgery for the miscarriage I had last year and the experience I had puts me off giving birth there. It was very unorganised and made the situation much worse for me. On the day of my 13 week scan where we learned the baby no longer had a heartbeat the sonographer was foreign and could not properly translate what was happening. Instead all she could say was "Sorry" and ran off to get another member of staff to explain. Afterwards we were left in a room on the maternity ward for four hours before a Doctor came to speak with us. We then returned the following day to the same ward and had to sit for four further hours before the surgery took place. I bled for 15 weeks and yet noone from the Hospital believed there was anything wrong. They kept insisting I was having a period. I was rushed by ambulance to hospital when I haemmorhaged at home and yet they still thought it was a period. Since I didn't have cycles they decided I wouldn't know what that looked or felt like so they sent me home. Two weeks later I started to pass tissue. Only then did they realise something was very wrong and did emergency surgery to remove the remaining fetal material. A few days later I got a letter acknowledging a genetic screen which had been done on my "son". Thankfully the screen was clear however I wasn't expecting them to tell me my 12 week old embryo was male! I will talk this through with my Mum tomorrow see what she thinks.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Day 30

No more spotting. Back pain slightly better and stomach much more normal. Nipples tender and swollen. Abdomen seems distended, increased appetite and very tired. Hoping the lack of further spotting is a good sign although I am very cautious about getting excited and happy as I fear it will make it even more difficult if something were to go wrong. OH commented on how I was "a bag of hormones!" I said we should be glad of that, he replied "Of course I am." How sweet. Keep thinking how much of a perfect time it is to be pregnant being over Winter and having Christmas, a holiday and a wedding to fit in beforehand therefore hopefully time moving more quickly. I just pray all is well and I ge4t to grow a big fat tummy and have a child (or two) by this time next year.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Day 29

Spent all day phoning health professionals trying to get some clarity. Early Pregnancy Unit (EPAS) will do a scan at 6 weeks. Until then they can do nothing else. Infertility Unit say EPAS are the one to speak to. Saw GP who thought I was going mad (was a man!). Said he thought I was probably pregnant! Knew that already! Did another test. Didn't seem concerned about the spotting although part of me wonders if he was trying to stop me worrying? He did say some very useful things though like the viability of my pregnancy has already been decided so nothing I can do or not do now will change this so I am as well getting on with life and recognise that it can go either way. I miscarry or the pregnancy goes to term. I had only trace of pink earlier today when I wiped. Back and stomach still fell weird. Sore back and heavy tummy although after a long soak in the bath both felt much better. Now am exhausted and heading to bed for an early night.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Day 28

Back aching all day and nipples sore again. Really hungry and been eating biscuits all day! Got huge fright when went to toilet this afternoon and there was brown stain in my underwear. Phone out of hours NHS number and they gave me an appointment at the hospital. Had to get OH to come collect me early from work. I was so anxious I was sweating and felt dizzy. The Manager who was on call wasn't too happy at me leaving early although my direct line Manager called and told me not to hesitate. So much for not telling anyone - almost everyone must now! Oh wasn't too pleased at going either and ranted on the whole way about "how they won't be able to do anything." I knew he was right but how could I do nothing? Saw a Nurse who checked my temperature, blood pressure and that my urine was free from infection,. She took all the details and advised me if I become very sore or the bleeding worsens to phone back. Otherwise I will be seen in the Early Pregnancy Unit tomorrow. Had a very small amount more and googled "early pregnancy bleeding". Apparently bright red blood or severe cramping is more worrisome and the brown blood I have can be very normal. Still very worried and wish I knew more about how things are. So much has gone through my mind in the past few hours. Is this a period and I am not pregnant after all? Am I miscarrying again and never going to carry a baby to term? I am so anxious about it and need to know.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Day 27!

What a day! I am exhausted! Went swimming with Mum this morning and had to explain I couldn't use the jacuzzi for risk of thrush infection and the sauna or steam room were out of bounds too as I should be treating my body as if it were pregnant even though it's not (I told her) and  she was fine with that. Didn't want to do a test before I went with her but made a collection of my first morning urine for later.

After lunch OH asked if I was going to do it or not. After alot of procrastinating and with jackets on ready to go out with our puppy we did the duty and very quickly saw one line appear in the control window on the test stick.  I gave up immediately and proclaimed it negative although he hung around as he needed to use the bathroom. Gradually a second very faint line started to appear, so much so we weren't quite sure whether it was positive or negative and when he called me back to have another look we decided to try one of the First Response tests. This came up with two line quite clearly and by the time this had developed the first one had also darkened. This picture doesn't show it up very clearly but the two lines are most definitely there and very clear now!

What an exciting walk we had after that. We are trying not to get carried away as I am not even at the four week stage yet though having dinner at Mum's tonight and telling her and Dad as well as my Sister and her fiance we could not get any more excited or carried away with ourselves! It's the best news ever! I can't wait until I get a scan and find out if it's one or multiple embryos which are developing. I am anxious about miscarrying but I am going to take extra care of myself and look positively at this as being a separate pregnancy from the first and there is nothing to say what happened before will happen again. I am so excited. I am welcoming the back pain I have and the slight discomfort in my nipples. I can't wait to get fat and all else that will come with the growing inside of me. I told my Sister I may not fit into my bridesmaid dress as the wedding is on 31st March 2012 and my dress is a size 8! She doesn't care what I wear, she is just so overjoyed although I have been warned not to give birth whilst she is on honeymoon!!

Friday, 16 September 2011

Day 26

Just waiting to bleed now and been expecting it throughout the day. Got some niggly backpain and a few twinges in my stomach tonight but nothing as yet down below. I really musn't get my hopes so high as I have this cycle as it's all downhill when the outcome isn't the ideal and statistically there is more chance of this than a positive result. had a patient at work tonight who is a methadone client who gave birth two weeks ago. I don't judge her or suggest she is a bad mother I just think the circumstances that child is growing up in are not the best. The child's Mother and Father are both methadone clients who mix with current drug users. Neither has a job, Both smoke cigarettes and neither have a permanent address.

Thursday, 15 September 2011

Day 25

Would seem like most of the world have either recently had a baby or are pregnant. Spoke to alot of people from same company as I work for today who told me of other people I know who have had babies recently or who are pregnant. Also saw a girl and her sister I grew up with, both of whom have young babies and one of whom is expecting again. This just makes me ultra aware of my own situation and grief. OH says he worries I will never be happy and when I get what I want, i.e a baby, I'll just feel sad about something else. Nipples barely tender although still not quite normal in appearance. Back has been sore as if period is just about to come, so much so I had a pad on all day today. Tomorrow is the expected day of arrival of the bleed. Not a joyous moment.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Day 24

Nipples feel back to normal and I feel even sadder. OH says I "cannot be pleased" as I should be glad we have come this far without a bleed meaning treatment has the potential to work. He also says we cannot give up hope this cycle but I already have. I feel miserable and resentful of all these lucky women with babies on the way or those who are Mums already. At work today some wacky colleague (who I don't normally work with and won't work with again) spoke of how she had been sick last night and this led her into thinking today she may be pregnant. She proceeded to do a pregnancy test then came out declaring she was happily "fetus free!" This felt like trivialising the whole getting pregnant scenario and for me today was not a good day for that to happen.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Day 23

Today my mood plummeted. Really low and cried so hard this morning I thought I would need to call in sick to work. Managed to get there via GP surgery who cannot see me until October but then why was I there anyway? What do I say is wrong? Maybe, I am desperate to have a child and four week cycles are too long for to wait for an outcome and it's too hard when it's a negative at the end, even though I cannot be sure it is a negative? OH says I am acting crazy which I think I agree with. I feel like I am possessed with something which is torturing my head. It is so painful to want a child so badly, to struggle to conceive and for it to be so out of your control. I still feel symptomatic but lesser so I would say. This is what set me off this morning as my nipples felt back to normal. They have burned a little throughout the day and my back still hurts but I feel like I am giving up on the possibility of being pregnant. One of my friends text me today to tell me she has just had a miscarriage. This will be her second one in a year. It was twins this time. She has a daughter already. I don't know how I would manage to go on if this happened to me again. I cannot bear to think of the prospect.

Have been meaning to link to an article I helped create by the BBC. I am of course, name changed, Jane from Glasgow.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Day 22

Still feel down but trying to get on with it and not dwell, as if that's even possible. Been so wanting to do a test today and almost gave in but there is no point because a negative I would blame on being too early to test and a positive I would blame the Ovitrelle injection for. Felt sweaty overnight which was the reason I tested before however again it could be the Ovitrelle. I won a competition and received two packets of First Response Ovualtion test kits in the post today. Might be useful as next cycle is inconveniently interrupted by the September bank holiday. A nice blogger sent them on to me.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Day 21

Feel so disappointed and sad today having decided the outcome will be negative. Having gotten this far without bleeding I should be glad that there is a chance this treatment could work as opposed to the clomid where I bled very early. Work was difficult where my first customer was very pregnant. Then there was the 8 week old constipated baby, the 6 week old congested baby, the 2 week old constipated baby and the 4 week old dry skin baby. Then there was the "super fertile" couple looking for the morning after pill because there are "so fertile we just keep getting pregnant". They went on and on about it as if it was a terrible thing to be as lucky as they had been in conception. I felt like telling them how offensive they were being but held my breath and reassured myself they know not of my situation, even though it got me paranoid someone was out to get me. Still hyper aware of my body. Back was incredibly sore this morning, then improved, only to worsen again later on. Nipples have been intermittently burning. Someone was telling me how acupuncture has helped pains in their feet. I have heard of people getting acupuncture for infertility issues. I might look into this.

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Day 20

I am now realising that my symptoms are more than likely related to the ovitrelle injection still being in my system. Since HCG is the pregnancy hormone and is the active ingredient it is reasonable to expect the symptoms I am experiencing as side effects. It so much plays with your head though. Today I am in the head frame that I am not pregnant and will have to undergo numerous unsuccessful cycles of IUI and eventually IVF. I am already worried about the next IUI cycle potentially having to be adandoned and how I will cope being on another waiting list for IVF or alternatively how I will convince OH to go private. I need to bring myself back into the here and now. Enjoy the present moment. Nothing can be solved through worrying and in face in could be detrimental to my progress.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Day 19

Time is moving so slowly. Wish there was some way to know either way as I feel with each day my hopes are being raised. My nipples are on fire today. The worst yet and it reminds me of being pregnant before. I am very moist in the lady parts and needed more paracetamol for my back. I cannot help but hope this persists!

Thursday, 8 September 2011

Day 18

So consumed with thoughts of whether this cycle has worked or not. Cannot stop my brain from fast forwarding onto telling people, getting a baby bump and even baby names! Still feel lousy. Sore back necessitated paracetamol and this eased the pain. Had a bath too which was lovely. Only 8 days to go before period would be expected, if I don't bleed before then that is!

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Day 17

Been feeling lousy all day. Sore back, head and nipples. Been really hungry. Had palpitations tonight as well and been feeling really hot at times and really cold at others. It's hard to not obsess over whether one is to become pregnant this month when one already feels six months gone! Hoping and praying for a good result. Even if my body can hold out for the required length of time before bleeding at least we will know this treatment has a shot at working. Can't stop imagining telling OH and parents that I am pregnant. My mind starts playing tricks and has me planing what I will wear, do, eat and prepare when it finally happens. Went to the cinema again tonight. Took my mind off it for a bit. Working extra over next couple of days too so this will keep me occupied though when I am there I feel like I need to keep visiting the toilet to check I am not bleeding. So a young pregnant girl today who already has a baby. She was smoking whilst shouting a swear work in the direction of a guy across the street. It just doesn't seem fair.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Day 16

Work was a good distraction today although mind still fully focused on my current situation! Nipples still like bullets and burning although this fluctuates in intensity. OH been asking alot about when I go back to clinic. What it means if I bleed early, what it means if I don't. He also asked alot about how much higher the risk is of multiple  birth pregnancies with this treatment. Tried to explain how I understand it but think he is shocked at my telling him I would be overjoyed with twins rather than worried sick as he seems to imagine himself being!!

Monday, 5 September 2011

Day 15

Had my post IUI scan today and it looks like I ovulated over the weekend although there is still a lingering follicle, apparently that can be fairly common after an HCG injection. Nipples were less sore this morning which put me in a major depressed mode, convincing me that my hormone levels were plummeting and I would be bleeding too soon. I have become obsessed and cannot stop thinking about it. I have convinced myself this is never going to work and I am devastated already. Feeling slightly more optimistic since the sore nipples are back again this evening but still anxious. It seems as though everywhere I go all I see is pregnant women, babies and pregnant women with babies. It would be nice to just hide from the world for a couple of weeks or at least until I became pregnant, if that will ever be possible. My best friend moved to Australia last year. I could do with a girly chat right now. I miss her lots.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

Day 14

I'd love to just switch all hits off, all the thoughts of babies and pregnancy and then maybe the next two weeks might go in quicker than they are now. The days seem extra long and everything is reminding me. A colleague was telling me about her Daughter in law who has just found out she is pregnant having been on clomid. All the happy ending stories make me feel more hopeless as if it will never be me. I felt sad although happy for her. My nipples still ache and feel quite sluggish today.

Saturday, 3 September 2011

Day 13

Sore nipples arrived yesterday evening and some cramping this am. Did a baby dance before bed to increase chances as I read someplace online washed sperm do not live as long as unwashed! Oh suggested some more this morning but going to hold off until later this afternoon or tonight. Have booked cinema tickets for tonight as I need a distraction away from thinking about babies and pregnancy and will it work or won't it work. Just read that Ovitrelle (the final injection I had) can give a false positive result on a pregnancy test for up to 10 days after administration.

Friday, 2 September 2011

Day 12

It's strange but until now in treatment alot of the things I presume to go ahead without a problem have been the things to cause problems. Like when I was on clomid and looked like I ovulated, I definitely didn't expect to bleed two days afterwards or when I knew I was within the BMI range for treatment but the Unit argued against it. After giving myself the final injection yesterday another situation like this occurred and made me panic. I developed a large lump and redness around the injection site. After time it lessened and is now bruised so looks like I have just tweaked a vein.

Today was insemination day. I was nervous and excited. My OH worried his sample was not an adequate volume, I worried the would spill it. All appeared to go well. Not at all a pleasant experience. It's like a large set of bbq tongs being forced inside you and opened then some sort of fluid squirted in. Then the tongs need to be pulled out. I worried too that some of the fluid dripped out but I think that is to be expected. Now its all I can think about. Will it work or won't it. I wonder as well if having more than one follicle means an increased success rate or if its a case of it will work or won't regardless of how many follicles. 

In the clinic there are photographs on the wall of babies born following treatment. I couldn't help but notice the few photographs with three babies! It's going to be a long two week wait although maybe I will bleed before then as with clomid. I sure hope not as who knows where we will go from there.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Day 11

Been fretting since yesterday as was sure I was ovulating or approaching ovulation yesterday. Copious cervical mucus of the "friendly" type and a small brown stain on my underwear. Husband and I considered taking matters into our own hands so to speak... as insemination would be too late if this was the case. We agonised over it, me for hours, until we decided since we did not know how many, if any, follicles were present. It would also affect the semen collection if it was to be done on Friday. So, although I was climbing the walls in frustration at the potential of being fertile with no sperm there we did the sensible thing.

Had my scan this morning and relief to find that it looks as though I have not yet ovulated but could do at any moment. Three follicles at 1.6mm, 1.7mm and 1.97mm. The uterus lining is also nice and thick. What a difference from taking the clomid. It was explained we face a risk of a triplet pregnancy and I was asked if I was sure I wanted to proceed. Triplets would not be ideal but the thought of any possibility of pregnancy and I cannot refuse.

Gave myself the final injection at noon. It is important to get the timing right so insemination will be tomorrow at 12.30pm. Immediately after the injection there was a swelling and rash appeared at the injection site. I panicked although now its improved I am less troubled.

Worried that OH (other half) might be apprehensive about the three follicles but so far he hasn't uttered concern. I did tell him whilst he is at work in a room full of people so maybe we will be having that discussion later?

It's rather ironic that before going to the clinic this morning I dropped my puppy off at the vet's to be spayed. She has a full hysterectomy. The world is a funny place sometimes.