Day 4

Today I am very aware of pregnant women, babies and pregnant women with babies! I have felt sad and upset that I don't have a baby to push around in a pram or coo at and see looking up at me. It all started with the front page of the newspaper showing a smiling Amanda Holden who announced she was pregnant again after miscarrying at 7 months only 6 months ago. I don't feel jealous or nasty towards her, I just feel my pain more. Since I miscarried all I have hoped for is to become pregnant again. Deadlines came and past and here I am still without even a possibility of a positive test. If only it was as easy for me to conceive. Women take so much for granted and how frustrating when it doesn't happen as nature intended. Next thing to set me off was a multitude of pregnant women, babies and pregnant women with babies at Glasgow Fort. Almost every woman who passed me was expecting, pushing a pram or both! I passed two sets of twins and a set of triplets. Finally I rubbed all my misery in by going into Mamas and Papas and spending the £5 gift voucher they emailed me congratulating me on my Baby's First Birthday, even though I unsubscribed to their page one week after I miscarried. What I planned to be an in and out visit didn't quite go to plan. I picked up newborn socks and made my way to pay though because they had a 20% off special offer the till wouldn't accept my voucher and my total now came below £5. I then had to look around for something else. I picked up a set of 3 bibs and they are now under my spare bed in the baby drawer. I suppose it's all these small things that build up and make me feel like I could explode with frustration at any given moment. They make me want to shout and scream about how unfair it is that I may never be a Mummy. They make me want to blame someone (mostly myself) and make me cry really hard. I don't know why all of a sudden these feelings came to me . I never wanted children before and when that seedling of hope took over me it consumed me and now it's all that I can ever imagine will make my life worthwhile. Until then everything seems to be unfulfilling. I feel like my life is put on hold until I become pregnant. Like nothing can be happy or fun or relaxed until. Life isnt' on hold though. Days, weeks, months and years have gone by and I've yet to find my happiness.