Day 31

More brown discharge overnight and very slight cramping. Like wind pains. Felt really scared by it and phone Early Pregnancy Unit to ask if they would do HCG blood levels to check if the hormones are rising. They said it wasn't routine and to just sit tight until my scan. It's like no one understands how anxiety provoking this is. OH says I should be happy that treatment worked regardless of the outcome and that I need to stop worrying about things that haven't yet happened and so are not actual problems. I managed to calm down and spent the morning with my Mum who asked lots of questions about the pregnancy and how I was feeling. We spoke about the choice of hospital but couldn't come up with a conclusion. She wondered if the bleeding I was having was my body getting rid of an unfertilised follicle since there was more than one. Suppose it's possible. Seem to be getting tired more easily and enjoying lazy afternoons on the sofa. My breasts ache too!

On a completely different subject I managed to pick up £59.11 of shopping for 20p tonight!!! My only problem is fitting it all in my freezer! I arrived in Asda at precisely the right time for them marking down all the short dated stock to 10p and had vouchers which covered the cost. I got a large fresh chicken, chicken satays, duck spring rolls, chicken kung po, steak and vegetable pie, turkey for stir fry, lamb steaks and more which I cannot recall. I then went along to Morrisons who were also marking things down and I got some rottisserie chicken, rolls and coleslaw for free since I got a £5 voucher from my petrol spend. Every penny counts when there is a/are baby/ies on the way!!!

Day 31

No change on symptoms. Back still occasionally sore, tired and breasts are becoming very tender. Went to get the form to fill in to self refer to the midwives. It asks which hospital you want your baby to be born in. This is  dilemma for me. There is a hospital near where my parents live, most convenient for us too. It has a designated neonatal unit. It is however where I had to go through two lots of surgery for the miscarriage I had last year and the experience I had puts me off giving birth there. It was very unorganised and made the situation much worse for me. On the day of my 13 week scan where we learned the baby no longer had a heartbeat the sonographer was foreign and could not properly translate what was happening. Instead all she could say was "Sorry" and ran off to get another member of staff to explain. Afterwards we were left in a room on the maternity ward for four hours before a Doctor came to speak with us. We then returned the following day to the same ward and had to sit for four further hours before the surgery took place. I bled for 15 weeks and yet noone from the Hospital believed there was anything wrong. They kept insisting I was having a period. I was rushed by ambulance to hospital when I haemmorhaged at home and yet they still thought it was a period. Since I didn't have cycles they decided I wouldn't know what that looked or felt like so they sent me home. Two weeks later I started to pass tissue. Only then did they realise something was very wrong and did emergency surgery to remove the remaining fetal material. A few days later I got a letter acknowledging a genetic screen which had been done on my "son". Thankfully the screen was clear however I wasn't expecting them to tell me my 12 week old embryo was male! I will talk this through with my Mum tomorrow see what she thinks.

Day 30

No more spotting. Back pain slightly better and stomach much more normal. Nipples tender and swollen. Abdomen seems distended, increased appetite and very tired. Hoping the lack of further spotting is a good sign although I am very cautious about getting excited and happy as I fear it will make it even more difficult if something were to go wrong. OH commented on how I was "a bag of hormones!" I said we should be glad of that, he replied "Of course I am." How sweet. Keep thinking how much of a perfect time it is to be pregnant being over Winter and having Christmas, a holiday and a wedding to fit in beforehand therefore hopefully time moving more quickly. I just pray all is well and I ge4t to grow a big fat tummy and have a child (or two) by this time next year.

Day 29

Spent all day phoning health professionals trying to get some clarity. Early Pregnancy Unit (EPAS) will do a scan at 6 weeks. Until then they can do nothing else. Infertility Unit say EPAS are the one to speak to. Saw GP who thought I was going mad (was a man!). Said he thought I was probably pregnant! Knew that already! Did another test. Didn't seem concerned about the spotting although part of me wonders if he was trying to stop me worrying? He did say some very useful things though like the viability of my pregnancy has already been decided so nothing I can do or not do now will change this so I am as well getting on with life and recognise that it can go either way. I miscarry or the pregnancy goes to term. I had only trace of pink earlier today when I wiped. Back and stomach still fell weird. Sore back and heavy tummy although after a long soak in the bath both felt much better. Now am exhausted and heading to bed for an early night.

Day 28

Back aching all day and nipples sore again. Really hungry and been eating biscuits all day! Got huge fright when went to toilet this afternoon and there was brown stain in my underwear. Phone out of hours NHS number and they gave me an appointment at the hospital. Had to get OH to come collect me early from work. I was so anxious I was sweating and felt dizzy. The Manager who was on call wasn't too happy at me leaving early although my direct line Manager called and told me not to hesitate. So much for not telling anyone - almost everyone must now! Oh wasn't too pleased at going either and ranted on the whole way about "how they won't be able to do anything." I knew he was right but how could I do nothing? Saw a Nurse who checked my temperature, blood pressure and that my urine was free from infection,. She took all the details and advised me if I become very sore or the bleeding worsens to phone back. Otherwise I will be seen in the Early Pregnancy Unit tomorrow. Had a very small amount more and googled "early pregnancy bleeding". Apparently bright red blood or severe cramping is more worrisome and the brown blood I have can be very normal. Still very worried and wish I knew more about how things are. So much has gone through my mind in the past few hours. Is this a period and I am not pregnant after all? Am I miscarrying again and never going to carry a baby to term? I am so anxious about it and need to know.

Day 27!

What a day! I am exhausted! Went swimming with Mum this morning and had to explain I couldn't use the jacuzzi for risk of thrush infection and the sauna or steam room were out of bounds too as I should be treating my body as if it were pregnant even though it's not (I told her) and  she was fine with that. Didn't want to do a test before I went with her but made a collection of my first morning urine for later.

After lunch OH asked if I was going to do it or not. After alot of procrastinating and with jackets on ready to go out with our puppy we did the duty and very quickly saw one line appear in the control window on the test stick.  I gave up immediately and proclaimed it negative although he hung around as he needed to use the bathroom. Gradually a second very faint line started to appear, so much so we weren't quite sure whether it was positive or negative and when he called me back to have another look we decided to try one of the First Response tests. This came up with two line quite clearly and by the time this had developed the first one had also darkened. This picture doesn't show it up very clearly but the two lines are most definitely there and very clear now!

What an exciting walk we had after that. We are trying not to get carried away as I am not even at the four week stage yet though having dinner at Mum's tonight and telling her and Dad as well as my Sister and her fiance we could not get any more excited or carried away with ourselves! It's the best news ever! I can't wait until I get a scan and find out if it's one or multiple embryos which are developing. I am anxious about miscarrying but I am going to take extra care of myself and look positively at this as being a separate pregnancy from the first and there is nothing to say what happened before will happen again. I am so excited. I am welcoming the back pain I have and the slight discomfort in my nipples. I can't wait to get fat and all else that will come with the growing inside of me. I told my Sister I may not fit into my bridesmaid dress as the wedding is on 31st March 2012 and my dress is a size 8! She doesn't care what I wear, she is just so overjoyed although I have been warned not to give birth whilst she is on honeymoon!!

Day 26

Just waiting to bleed now and been expecting it throughout the day. Got some niggly backpain and a few twinges in my stomach tonight but nothing as yet down below. I really musn't get my hopes so high as I have this cycle as it's all downhill when the outcome isn't the ideal and statistically there is more chance of this than a positive result. had a patient at work tonight who is a methadone client who gave birth two weeks ago. I don't judge her or suggest she is a bad mother I just think the circumstances that child is growing up in are not the best. The child's Mother and Father are both methadone clients who mix with current drug users. Neither has a job, Both smoke cigarettes and neither have a permanent address.